Beast 2: A day in the life

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5.35 am

Wake up. Must’ve fallen asleep again last night by accident. I’ll really have to work on that. Being a Big Boy because I’m 3 now is hard work. Look around the room, noting the darkness all around and the silence in rest of the house. It’s a bit quiet so I decide it must be time to get up. Holler for mummy and daddy and give the wall a few kicks for good measure. Can hear mutterings and grumblings from down the hall but no one comes. Huh. They probably didn’t hear me. That happens all the time.  Better up my game. Hop out of bed. Rattle the door handle a few times until it opens. Leap over that silly gate they put there. Run down the landing as loudly as possible. Actually I ought to yell for my brother too, he’s going to want to get in on this action. Smash his door in while calling for him to get up. Throw open mummy and daddy’s door, leg it inside and leap onto the bed. Realise I’m not quite tall enough for that yet so grab the large person laying there and pull myself up, clambering over the top. Be sure to do it the wrong way round to ensure they get a good load of wet, nappy clad bum in the face. Jump up and down until the grumpy hairy one – daddy – says “for the love of God Oscar get back in your room, it’s not time to get up yet.” Ignore completely until taken downstairs. 

7am

It’s time for breakfast. I’m definitely hungry because dinner was a long time ago. Mummy – the squidgy warm one – asks whether I want cereal or toast or porridge for breakfast. I tell her toast. Ignore her when asked to get up to the table. Repeat until she comes in and pulls me up by my armpits and tries to put me in that plastic chair that she always straps me into. Go stiff as a board so she has to grunt a bit while trying to force me in whilst shouting for the hairy one to come and help. Decide it’ll be even more funny to blow raspberries in her face at the same time. Huh. She doesn’t seem amused. Oh well. Look at the toast she’s put down. Swipe the plate off the table onto the floor and scream “I DIDN’T WANT TOAST!”  because clearly she didn’t understand that when I said I wanted toast I meant cereal. 

9am

It’s time to drop my brother off at school. He always gets way too much attention when the squishy one is leaving him in the classroom. Anyone would think he’s special or something. Decide they all need to look at me again so I think i’ll cause a massive scene by sitting on the floor, kicking anyone that comes close, hissing like a feral cat and crying because I’m not allowed to play with the pencil sharpeners. 

10.30am

Squidgy’s taken me to heaven. This place is great! Slides, ball pits, padded cages, sweets and so many other people to barrel into. Squidgy doesn’t seem quite as thrilled to be here as I am; especially when other grown ups go over to her and then point over at me and wave their arms around. Oh well. I’m having a great time. She even lets me have a jam sammidge for lunch. What a time to be alive. 

2pm

Back home and squidgy’s doing boring things like getting the “bloody lunch boxes” ready. She really hates doing lunch boxes because she complains the whole time about having too much to do. She seems busy so I’ll help her do some cleaning. The washing up liquid is right on the edge of the sink. If I just reach up a bit more….got it. Right. The floor probably needs a wash. Give it a good squirt all over the place…bit more…but more….ahhhh that’s the ticket. This is going to be so clean. Oh look, mummy’s seen how helpful I’m being. She’s coming over to admire how clean the floor is – wha – why is she making those funny squeaky noises? Oh she’s shouting now. I don’t think she appreciates my help. Well that’s just rude. Now I’ve been sent to have a timeout? What? Well that’s the last time I help her out.  Ungrateful. 

3.15pm

Back at school to pick up the other one. I was quite enjoying having her to myself but now we’ve got to pick him up. Squidgy makes me walk all the way, muttering about how I seem to have “too much energy” and how it’s “driving her crackers.” Actually I’d quite like some crackers right now but she keeps saying she doesn’t have any. This isn’t acceptable so perhaps wailing “I NEED A SNACK! I’M EMPTY! EMPTY!EMPTY!  will produce some results. Nada. She says I can have an apple when I get home. Hmmph. She tells me to shhhh so she can talk to the other grown ups about more boring things like dieting and work while she watches out for my brother. Jeez. She’s so obsessed with him. 

5pm

Dinner time. Peas. Eurgh. I don’t know what she expects me to do with them other than flick them across the table or flatten them with my fingers. I mean, she can’t possibly think I’m going to eat them? Squidgy’s back in the kitchen drinking her grown up red juice and looking at her phone. She doesn’t seem to care about the peas anymore. 

6pm

Bath time. I’m enjoying splashing around in the lovely warm bubbly water. Such fun. With the bubbles and the toys and splashing…what could possibly go wr- OH GOD IT’S HAIR WASH NIGHT WHY DOES SHE INSIST ON WASHING IT SO OFTEN OH GOD SHE’S TIPPING IT OVER MY HEAD – I’M TRYING TO PROTEST BUT IT’S GOING IN MY MOUTH AND NOW IT’S UP MY NOSE ABORT ABORT ABORT THE ONLY THING TO DO IN THIS SITUATION IS THRASH AROUND AND SCREAM HYSTERICALLY UNTIL SHE STOPS TIPPING IT OVER – oh. She’s finished. Well I guess that wasn’t so bad. Wait a minute. What does she have in her hand now? Is that a toothbrush? Again? She only brushed them this morning! I guess she really likes getting toothpasty phlegm in her eyes. 

6.30 

Story and bedtime. Best part of the day. Squidgy reads me The Gruffalo and tells Jasper to stay in his room so she’s all mine again. Then daddy comes in half way through and starts making me laugh. Mummy gets cross with daddy and tells him to stop over exciting me at bedtime. Daddy ignores her (he probably can’t hear her because he’s so hairy) and carries on. We have to start The Gruffalo again once mummy tells daddy he can “deal with it” when I won’t go to sleep and he soon leaves the room. We have a big cuddle and I make mummy sing twinkle twinkle. She laughs when I say twinkle because it comes out like ‘tinkle’. I don’t know why she thinks that’s funny but, ok. God adults are weird. Anywho, then I make her sing it again. And again. The next time I ask she says no so it’s time for the waterworks. Here they come. Ah yes there we go…twinkle twinkle little star….lovely. Finally I let her switch the light off because I suppose I am a little bit tired. One more cuddle and off mummy goes. 

7.30. Actually as it happens I guess I wasn’t that tired. Meh, who knew. This bed’s good for bouncing though. And the walls are great for kicking again. Maybe I’ll sing everyone a song because I’m so happy and awake. Oh. It doesn’t sound like mummy likes my song because she’s telling me to “pack it in” before she calls grandma. I wish she would call grandma because grandmas is much better than here. Oh well now she’s saying I can’t go to grandmas again if I don’t stop singing and kicking. Well I guess that’s that then. Best give it a rest because I do want to go to grandmas. Maybe I’ll just close my eyes just for a minute. I hope I don’t fall asleep again by accident…

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