An alternative Peppa Pig script 

Episode #46742 – Musical Instruments.

Narrator: Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig have been tidying the house. They are tidying it because it’s always a shit hole. They don’t know why they bother really but it passes the time. 

Daddy Pig: Mummy Pig and I found this old box in the attic.

Peppa Pig and George: Ooo!

Narrator: Can anyone guess what’s inside?

Mummy pig: our broken hopes and dreams?

Daddy pig: our youth and sanity? 

Peppa Pig: Hmmm? Nope. No idea. Sweets? Can we have sweets now? 

Mummy Pig: No we are clearly all clinically obese, no one needs sweets. You can have an apple. 

Peppa pig: I hate apple *stamps feet.*

Mummy Pig:The box is full of musical instruments.

Peppa Pig and George: Wow!

Daddy Pig: They are a bit old and dusty. Mummy pig why did we put them away again? 

Mummy Pig: hmmm I can’t really remember. There must have been a reason.

Peppa Pig: Mummy, can you play your violin?

Mummy Pig: I haven’t played it for a long time. My fingers are numb to the bone from constantly washing your one set of clothes because you won’t stop jumping in muddy bastard puddles.

Peppa Pig: Please, Mummy. Please play it.

Mummy Pig: I hope I haven’t forgotten how. All I do nowadays is clean, wash, cook and drink wine. I’ll probably be no good. 

*mummy pig plays a lovely tune*

Daddy Pig: Bravo! 

Peppa Pig: Hurrah!

*George pig gives Peppa a kick because he’s not getting enough attention* 

Peppa Pig: ow! He kicked me! *shoves her brother to the floor and shakes herself off* Mummy, can I play the violin?

Mummy Pig: only if you’re careful with it. Hold it like this.

Peppa Pig: Yes, Mummy.

Narrator: Peppa isn’t listening to mummy pig as usual because she’s a spoiled brat, so she drops the violin, then George thinks it will be funny to jump on it.

Daddy Pig and Mummy Pig: Oh!

Narrator: Oh, dear. I do not think it is meant to sound like that.

Narrator: Mummy pig’s a bit cross. Oh dear. She looks like she’s about to lose her shit.

Mummy pig: oh for god’s sake wtf did you do that for? 

George Pig: Waaaaaaaa

Mummy pig: Peppa, maybe you’d do better with this tin drum. 

Narrator: That sounds better. Peppa loves playing the drum.

Daddy pig: Jesus mummy pig why the hell would you give her that? *Peppa bangs the drum as loudly as possible* I feel like I want to rip my own ears off now. 

Mummy pig: well I had to give her something daddy pig, or she’ll never shut up about it.

Mummy Pig: Here how about this, this Daddy Pig’s old accordion.

Daddy Pig: I used to play this to Mummy Pig when we first met. Back when we had time to talk to each other and weren’t both constantly covered in smeared food, sick and everything in between. And when mummy pig used to make an effort with herself. Now she just seems pleased if she has a shower every (other) day. Now I’m starting to remember why we put them away. 

Mummy Pig: Oh, Daddy Pig. You’re one to talk. There used to be a time when you didn’t trim your beard over the sink and leave the bits in there too you know, and you used to use up the old milk before you opened a new one. Now you couldn’t give a crap if there’s already one open or not. It takes two seconds to check. Two seconds!

Narrator: *clears throat uncomfortably* Oh look George wants to play the accordion too.

Daddy Pig: Are you sure, George? The accordion is quite difficult.

*mummy pig snorts in the corner derisively*

Peppa Pig: George, the “accrodion” is almost as difficult to play as my drum.

Daddy and mummy pig: oh just butt out a minute would you Peppa? Always interfering with your brother. *shakes head*

Narrator: Maybe George is a bit too little to play the accordion.

Peppa Pig: Daddy, what other instruments are in the box?

Daddy Pig: Just this horn.

Peppa Pig: Can I try?

Daddy Pig: You have to blow it very hard. 

*mummy pig snorts again in the corner, this time she seems to be finding something quite amusing*

Narrator: oh dear that does not sound right.

Peppa Pig: It’s impossible. *clangs the accordion, making an even bigger racket than with the drum*. 

Mummy pig, looking a bit hysterical, flapping her hands and trying to hold in the crazy: ok! I can’t take it any more! Enough! This must be why we put them away! Back in the box now, chop chop!

Narrator: downstairs again, mummy pig opens another bottle of wine and vows to put all the instruments in the bin as soon as the children are in bed and never buy any more. Upstairs, Daddy Pig is trimming his beard over the sink again, where he’ll leave all the bits of stubble afterwards, just to wind Mummy Pig up. 

The end.

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