Subject Matter

If toddlers wrote Horror movies they’d probably be called things like:

Wanted a red apple: given a green one

Given the sippy cup but I wanted the straw cup

Where’s mr dinosaur gone?

Time to say bye-bye to Grandma 

Brother took my blankie

She sliced my cheese when I wanted grated 

Hair wash day 

Time to get dressed 

Daddy says Peppa’s been made into bacon

If they wrote Self help books, I imagine they’d look something like this:

Sent back to bed no more: how to get away with a 5.30 start 

Squishing play doh into unlikely places: the step by step handy guide 

Asking Daddy when Mummy’s said no – the do’s and don’t’s 

Imaginary friends and general weirdness: how to creep everyone out

Resisting sleep: what do do when you’re exhausted and they’re forcing you to take a nap 

Using tears as a weapon: how to get the best out of emotional blackmail 

Electricity: don’t listen to them; go on, stick your fingers in that socket 

When to go stiff like a plank and when to flop: your one – stop guide on being picked up by an adult 

If they produced Dramas, I think this is what they would center around:

Someone (not mummy that’s for sure) ate all the cake

Mrs Goggins and Postman Pat: the affair 

Someone else has done the Velcro up on my shoes 

Daddy puts on a Gruffalo costume and leaps out from behind doors : this shit just got real 

There’s an ant in the dining room

Not allowed to sit (or defacate) in the cat litter box when I really wanted to 

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