It is almost impossible to keep your house clean and tidy when you are the proud keeper of two little beasts. Most of the time I feel that I work really hard and the best I can achieve is my home being reasonably grubby, rather than the dirty stink-hole it would be if I did nothing. And boys are generally really gross, so the chores feel never ending.
I sometimes try to complete some of the household jobs whilst in the company of The Beasts, mostly with varying (ly poor) degrees of success, and I feel this may be partly caused by beasts 1 and 2 hearing and interpreting instructions or requests completely differently to how they were intended. This ‘misinterpretation’ (hearing what they want to hear) then largely involves an overall risk to their general health / lives.
For example, mummy says ‘Don’t touch the iron please; it’s hot.’ This is interpreted as ‘Go on….touch it touch it…it’s right there, look…it’ll be fine! Go on, give it a stroke.’
Or mummy will say ‘leave the hoover alone please.’ To the ears of a small boy this means ‘please, turn it off every time I turn around, I am really enjoying having to turn it back on again every 5 seconds so I really appreciate what you’re doing right now. It’s also especially helpful and entertaining if you climb on top of the expensive Dyson when it’s hot, having (inexplicably) taken off all your clothes, and try and push it along with your legs – just like those 2 ride along toys sat about 3 feet away which would do exactly the same thing but you literally don’t even look at now.’
or perhaps mummy might say ‘you don’t need to touch the bathroom spray thank-you, leave it be’ which is taken to mean ‘why don’t you just lunge towards the toilet lid where the spray is sitting, grab the bottle, and run as fast as you can so you can play with the chemicals in peace? You won’t get caught if you’re fast’
or maybe when unloading the dishwasher mummy could say ‘just take the plastic ones out, leave the sharp knives alone and mummy will take those out, they’re sharp sharp remember.’ When you are only two you hear: ‘that’s right, go ahead and take them…look how shiny they are…shiny shiny shiny…what’s the worst that could happen? Do it quick enough and she’ll never notice – do it now’
or feeding the cats, mummy will say something like ‘it’s cat food, not people food, don’t eat it, it’ll give you tummy ache, and also the cats will have nothing to eat. So leave it alone please.’ Instead, a small beast will tell himself that he doesn’t need this kind of negativity in his life, and will decide that mummy really meant something like ‘look at all this food right here on a lovely little plate on the floor, why don’t you have a taste and see what you think? Lovely and meaty….’
Or perhaps when trying to rearrange the wires behind the telly into something other than a huge mess, noticed by The Beasts, mummy will have to say ‘don’t stick your fingers in the plug sockets. In fact don’t stick anything in the plug sockets. Actually just come away from the plug sockets completely please.’ This is then processed by Beast 1 as ‘wrap a baby wipe around your brother’s finger and then persuade him to stick it in the plug hole when she’s not looking… then we’ll see what mummy’s wanging on about what she says water conducts electricity.’
Sometimes I wonder how we just make it through the day – and don’t live in a complete hovel 💩
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