Jelly Etiquette – the 2 year old’s handy guide

Step 1: 
Randomly yell the word ‘jelly’ until parent or guardian provides you with a bowlful. Be persistent here; eventually they will crack, no matter how many times they say ‘no’ initially.  

Step 2: 
Plunge hands directly into bowl, despite the spoon being sat right next to it. Grab a fistful of cold wobbly goodness and attempt to bring it to mouth. Lose around three quarters of the jelly in your hand during the journey from bowl to mouth, dropping it on your lap, all over yourself in general, the floor, and the cat if there’s one unlucky enough to be sitting next to your chair. 

Step 3: 
Angrily refuse any offer of assistance by growling at parent or guardian like a feral dog. 

Step 4:
Pick up spoon, having decided that your hands are not going to work. Smack brother on the arm with spoon as hard as you want, just for good measure. Scoop up another blob of glorious wobbliness and immediately shake spoon so that jelly flies off and hits the wall / clean washing / parent or guardian. Put spoon in mouth anyway, frowning when you realize there is no jelly on it. 

Step 5:
Discard spoon as it’s useless anyway. You can do this by launching it across the room – bonus points if you hit the unsuspecting cat who is still trying to clean the jelly off his fur. Pick up bowl and attempt to tip contents directly into mouth. Succeed in getting around a third of the remaining jelly in mouth, allowing the rest to fall, once again, to the floor. Gag as the lump of jelly hits the back of your throat and immediately spit it back onto the table. Smush it about with your hands then try and pick it back up again. 

Step 6:
Look at bowl and cry because there’s no jelly left and you’ve only actually eaten a tiny bit. 

Step 7:
Toss bowl aside and demand to get down, thrashing limbs and head around as much as humanly possible while parent or guardian tries (unsuccessfully) to clean off the jelly you’re now covered in. Again, bonus points if any of your limbs make contact with parent or guardian, especially if you can get an eye poke in there. 

Step 8:

Give the cat a lick as he’s covered in more jelly than you now have in your belly so it’s worth a go. 

Success rating: Nailed it. 

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