Things you cannot do whilst being in charge of two small children:
Go a whole day without wanting to punch Peppa Pig
‘Nip’ to the shops – the twenty minutes it takes to get get out of the house mostly comprises of you shouting ‘shoes on, shoes on, SHOES ON’ and ‘arms in, arms in, FOR GOD’S SAKE WOULD YOU PUT YOUR ARMS IN’ to the big one whilst wrestling what at that moment appears to be some kind of immobile plank (if planks tried to kick you in the shins) into a buggy which they then wriggle out of 5 seconds later.
Then once finally out of Hell, sorry, the house, spending the time actually in the shop saying ‘no we don’t need that’ or ‘put that down please’ ‘don’t pull that off the shelf’ or ‘you need a poo RIGHT NOW? You couldn’t have gone in the twenty minutes we just spent trying to get out the house?’
Get them to eat vegetables at home, and yet the same vegetables appear to be irresistible when they are trying to shoplift them from the greengrocers.
Urinate without an audience who keep asking why you’re sitting down and not standing up and kindly reminding you not to widdle on the floor ‘like you always tell me, mummy’
Lay in, ever
Eat without having to share (give most of it away to what seem to be walking, talking bottomless pits
Leave for work – blissfully alone – without whispering the words ‘sweet freedom’ to yourself
Last an entire day without becoming smeared / covered in either food, wee, poo, vomit, mud or wet sand 😷😱😩
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